Christmas

My oh my... what day is today? It's christmas... who would say? I can't recall any christmas as bad as this one... why? Why are my pillars falling apart? I feel so powerless... so useless. People please open up your eyes...!! I don't wanna be a part of this... i just want u all to get along... why is there nothing i can do? Why are you asking me to be the support for all this pain? I do not have such strength... I can't take this any longer... :( The thought of you gives me strength, but this all too hard to understand, too hard to accept... Wish i could fix this whole thing with my words, but lately they seem so vain... It's a christmas to forget... or so I'll try. I guess there was no need to be nervous about things till christmas, but about christmas itself. The days before it went just great :) Best christmas present =) and I also met my biological father... which is a big thing i suppose. He can now die in peace... xD I know i know... I'm being mean and cold, but that's how i feel, he doesn't mean a thing to me... I've tried to change that, i swear i did, i even agreed in meeting him, but i still feel the same...

With christmas gone, i finally have some time for myself... I'm not used to have people around me 24h a day anymore... i need my space. Everyone's still asleep, so i enjoy the chance to be on my own :) warmly lying under the sheets i think about everything that happened and wonder about what's still to come... Deep inside i wish i was somewhere else :) but maybe my presence here is stronger than my words and things will get better :)

Now, changing the subject, being home with a pair of binoculars is a whole different thing :) I stare at my window and suddenly realize that there are many things to see. An Elanus caeruleus is stopped in middle air, right in front of me, looking for food. Hunting as well is a pair of Falco tinnunculus and a common hazard (Buteo buteo), and alighted on a phone cable a pair of big black birds, probably crows, but i'm not quite sure yet... maybe they're ravens ^^ I decide to take a walk in the valley to watch the little ones, but i couldn't find that many...

Back at home everything's calmer... i wonder till when, but i try to enjoy the moment :)

Now in peace, i don't feel like posting the sad things i wrote before, but i shall keep them as memento of those dark times... 

The good thing about a storm, is when the calm comes :)

Solitude Moments

It's Saturday. I'm on the field cozily lying on rock. In the middle of nowhere i feel like I'm on the top of the world. Surrounded by nothing but nature, i wonder if i've done anything to deserve such wondrous moment. Sun rays warm me, giving me a comfortable feeling on this cold winter day. Down the hill, the Coa river. Its dark and fast waters can be heard from above, wildly running north, like almost no other river... A gentle breeze brings me its scent and i slowly enter an entirely new world... a world where man and women don't exist, a world without past or future, where perfection is revealed at every second by the harmonious beat of a bird's wing. I feel so tiny and insignificant... should i throw myself from this cliff and nothing would change... what difference does a life make? I'd return to where I once came and the world would live on... birds would keep on singing and these wild waters would keep on running, in an endless spiral of life. I wouldn't waste my life like that though... life might be ephemeral and insignificant on its own, but it's our most precious possession, in fact, it's probably our only possession, and even its fate does not belong to us, being its worth only decided by our actions... but, happily enough, there's no way we can measure that. 

Back at home everyone's returning home for christmas, but i'm still some days away... A weird feeling fills me... can't explain it, but it comes every time something reaches its end... Somehow i feel nervous for what still awaits me before christmas... =$

Tomorrow I'll go back to Faia Brava to try to review my methodology for the mammals census. It's not gonna work out the way i first thought. Thing's would be easier if the ground was flat, with no rocks or vegetation xD but that would be asking too much right? With eduard away it's me driving the jeep ^^ I'm dangerous though... meh it's no fun driving too slowly and avoiding all the holes and rocks in the ground =P Everything is white and the water puddles are all frozen, making a funny cracking sound after going over them with the car. Even though it is a freezing cold, the sun shines and everything looks alive. Birds jump around the trees and fly over me. It feels magic...

It's the first time I'm totally on my own in the reserve... i tought i'd might feel lonely and bored, but i didn't :) time flew by :) I spent most of the time "chasing" birds though xD New species i've seen include the short-toed treecreeper (Certhia brachydactyla), the blue tit (Parus caeruleus and the long-tailed tit (Aegithalos caudatus). Also both blackcap and sardinian warblers (Sylvia atricapilla and Sylvia melanocephala). I know i know... I'm just in the beginning... but we all are starters at some point :)

Birdies

Don't know what time this is… outside is still dark, but my eyes are now open.  I try to fall asleep again, but i can't… i've slept enough already. The morning cold gives me the chills and I lazily lie under the sheets till the alarm goes off, It's good to wake up earlier :) My throat is still lightly aching as a reminder of my own dumbness... when will i learn? when will i change? I easily get over it and try to ignore the fact that this is all my fault... maybe someday I'll get the hang of it.

 

Now... i might have said that winter started for me about a month ago, but i surely didn't know that things could get much worse on this part of the country.  The thermometer marked 1ºC  and even though i didn't know that i made the decision of putting on extra clothes today. A second pair of jeans was my best decision in the last few days, making my day way more comfortable.

The good thing about planning something is that it never goes the way you expected. You might argue that's not good, but i think it is =P 

Me and eduard planned on walking around the reserve looking for birds and to visit my sampling stations to look for animal signs. No need to say that that's not exactly what we did... xD As we get to Faia Brava we take our stuff from the jeep and find out that we're not alone... voices from someone else can be heard. Who? Antonio and the workers. Turns out that antonio is gonna be hanging around in the morning to take care of some matters. Given the choice of going with him, we quickly accept it :) we always learn something new with him :) He has to talk with some workers about the reserve fence... the horses have run again. On the way, subtly alighted on a bush, a dartford warbler (Sylvia undata). It's the first time i lay my eyes on one :) it's funny that i see it one day after learning its peep ^^

We spend the morning running the fence and visiting 2 future vulture feeding spots, where we eventually stop, now with the workers, for lunch. Autumn colors have invaded the area, spotting the green hills with yellow shades. The responsible for this colorful pattern is the Pistacia terebinthus, a native plant of the Mediterranean area.

On the way back a hoopoe (Upupa epops) poses for me :) It's always an amazing sight watching this animal fly ^^

Off the car it's time to go take a walk to watch some birdie birdies :) We've  been practicing for a few days now and it feels great starting to know those cute creatures :) 
 

We saw european robins (Erithacus rubecula), thekla larks (Galerida theklae), a southern grey shrike (Lanius meridionalis), chaffinches (Fringilla coelebs) and another hoopoe. Beside griffins in the air, to cheer up our day, we also saw a juvenile golden eagle. It's been sometime since we last saw one ^^

To finish the day, we gathered up some firewood, leading me to some finger injuries, but it's ok. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger =P

People

Some people make us cry

Others, laugh

Some people make us despair

Others, dream

Some people make us crawl

Others, dance

Some people makes us fall

Others, fly

Some people make us die

Others…

Others just make us smile

Thank u   =3

Another  lazy sunday has gone by :) 

Last night storm has calmed down...  the dark and deep waters are now silent and smoothly run inside me... Did i overreact? Probably. But it's ok :) what would be the fun of crossing the sea if it had no waves? The journey wouldn't be half as exciting =)

Tomorrow a new week begins, even though the plan is made, what awaits me i dunno... What lies beyond this week is even more unpredictable, but one thing is sure :) Christmas is on the way ^^

Words

Words….

Such meaningless words

Words that u can use so well

Words that hurt

That make my heart cry 
And my soul bleed
Why do u have to be like this?

How can u be so cold?

Make me feel little, stupid, insignificant…

All i can do is love you, but u...

Why do i even care?

I pray u find your way…

My faith is lost

Today u've gone too far

So this is what happens when get a "no"

It's good to know

Don't come telling me u need me home

 It's been some time since i last wrote… i've been sharing pretty much what's inside me lately so i haven't felt the need. But u had to come and destroy my inner peace… how i wish u didn't have that power. Love sucks, all it does is hurt. And what annoys me the most is that I know i won't be mad for too long…

U'r one lucky bastard

And I..?

I'm just a fool…

Back on the road

09:09 am... wish i could say that i've just waken up, but that happened hours ago… I'm back on the road, this time on my way to Aveiro City to the so expected christmas lunch...

Buses come and go by and so do people, each one in its own life... i look at them and wonder... what's their story? what do they do for a living? what are they thinking and how do they feel? What are they doing here? Where are they going? Are they going to work? Are they going home? Holidays? Family? Boyfriend?  Bus and train stations are very interesting places to observe human beings... I suddenly realize that we live surrounded by people, but we know so little about each-others... we're so committed to ourselves and to our daily lives that we don't even mind about the others... why should we...? An upset person goes by or attends you in a shop... what do you do? U get annoyed and probably judge that person... do you stop to wander what kind of troubles that person might be going through? of course not... you have your own problems to care about, right? But this doesn't happen just with strangers... we're like this with almost everyone, people we don't know, people we've known for some time, people we've known for years... why can't we care a little more about anything but ourselves? A nice word can be so comforting sometimes, even if it comes from a stranger... it may turn a dark day into one a shiny one... something even simpler than a word is a smile. U find a cranky person, what do you do? Your face turns serious as well... why...? Have u tried smiling? Sometimes it's all someone needs... and if u do smile, the person might just smile u back and her and your day will get a little brighter. It's such a simple action... I like to smile :) In fact i think i smile a lot and very easily, either to friends or complete strangers xD I've not always been like this though... i didn't use to smile or laugh freely at all... I can't recall when exactly did i change, or what caused it, but i've come to realize the powerful force of a smile ;P

Anyways… back to the topic xD

In Aveiro everything goes on smoothly… it's weird to be surrounded by all those people again… people i've known for some time now, some of them once close friends… now all they are is acquaintances...  it makes me sad life has to be this way... nothing changed, yet everything seems so different... how have they become such strangers to me?  I try to smile and act like everything's ok, but i can't... this hypocrisy kills me inside... everyone seems to get along, no fighting, no nothing, but where's that intimacy we used to have? It's all so superficial... it's all so fake... i feel like screaming... what the hell happened to us? Why does no body wanna talk about it? Why are we trying to ignore the fact that there are words left unspoken? I dunno... but i've given up... life goes on and so does people... I'll just go on with mine... carrying only who's worth it...

On the end of the day i make my way to the students dwelling... it's raining heavily… i had forgotten how much it rains here... but as a friend of mine once said, i'm "the girl who likes to get soaked"... and it is kinda true :)

Once on my room, it's weird to be back... i've lived here for quite some time, it's so familiar, i feel home, but this is not my place anymore... I've missed this place… :)

On monday i wake up early and head to the university to take care of some matters... done before lunch time i take a walk around my department... so many memories and yet i feel so misplaced... new faces everywhere, i hardly recognize anyone... i've been away for way too long... a feeling of nostalgia and loneliness strikes me and I just roam around the lakes... nature has always somehow comforted me :) but something's not right… i dumbly miss someone…

I go back home and have a little nap… it´s been so long since i last napped… but it feels so great :3 After lunch i go back to the university to meet with a teacher… but he seems to have disappeared from the map… i get tired of waiting and go "shopping" with xana… meaning… accompanying her xD wait… i did buy my mum a christmas gift ^^ That done, we went back home and i cooked for us both :) oddly enough, she did enjoy my vegetarian food :D maybe i'm not such a lousy cooker as i sometimes think xD At night, i invited rui to go with me to the cinema to watch "A Christmas Carol" in 3D… the movie was nice :) i liked its story :) but things with him are definitely different… our friendship has had better days… but there's nothing i can do about that i suppose... life goes on :)

Back at home… it's late and I'm tired… but i still have to pack my stuff again… I'll be back on the road again tomorrow ^^

Home sweet home

After an absence of 3 days, here i am again :) this time, home ^^

Monday was what i´d call a normal day, me and eduard started the day by cleaning up the mushrooms left on exhibition on saturday and then headed to the vulture's feeding site to get the pictures from the cameras. Unhappily one of them was not working... :S we tried everything we could to fix it... but there´s something wrong with the electric system we think... the time counter between each shot doesn't stop and is endlessly looping between 9 and 1... sometimes it does take a picture but it is not recorded in the memory card :(

We've also changed some cameras location... i just hope we do get some results... cause so far most of the cameras have been a total failure... :S

Tuesday was a cool day :D We went with ricardo to explore one of the water lines... the more i walk around faia brava the more i´m sure that this is what i like... Danger brings color to my life in a way i've never really understood... but i need it, i need this feeling of adventure, it makes me feel alive =) We followed the line almost to the coa river, always between rocks and vegetation... like in life, the path sometimes seemed impossible, but nothing that a careful look around or a little detour couldn't fix :) griffin vultures wandered the skies above us every once in a while, probably checking if we were still alive ;P we kept on going till a precipice appeared before our eyes... the sight was spectacular, but the way down a little dangerous... since it was getting late we decided to go back... the way up? shorter than down ;) 

Almost near the car, anthony calls, some horses have run... he needs our help xD first task, take the horses back to the fence, 2nd task? fix it... 1st one goes on smoothly, the second one lasts a little longer... the sun eventually sets and the cold night embraces us... soon enough all we see is each-others silhouettes and sparkling lights on the sky...

The day has almost reached its end, but i still have to pack my stuff... tomorrow i´m going home :) a sudden laziness takes over me though, and packing turns out to be a very hard task... i dunno what to take... time goes by and my bag is still empty... but someone eventually brings me to reason and i quickly pack everything i need :)

On the next morning i wake up early so i don´t have the chance of missing the bus... i´m on the road again... my stuff is all packed so it's time to leave :) the journey is long, way too long... lost in the sights, my mind flies, thoughts run through my head without control... what is this and what does it mean...? mostly important, what will i do about it...? I feel like a spider getting caught in its own web... I fall asleep every now and then, there's not much more to do... after countless stops, some on cities that i´ve never even heard of, I reach caldas in the end of the day... this journey has reached its end... i've lost the number of times i've returned home... the feeling is usually the same, it's good to be back ^^ but something today was different :) something that made my trip not so boring and my clock run a little faster, something that somehow made me feel happy :)

Back at home i dunno how to describe it... i'm warmly welcomed by my cat that quickly jumps on me... i've missed her ^^ i really can't describe how it feels like being back... entering my room and lay in my bed once again... i feel comfortable and protected... i feel home =)

With nothing to do, i spend the time watching anime with my brother... he has classes on thursday afternoon though, so i enjoy it on my keyboard... i fear i might have lost the touch... but as i start playing, my fingers move on their own... how i've missed the harmony of these sounds :) there's no other thing like it :)

And that's all for today... it's late... everyone's asleep, except me, writing gibberish in a blog that almost no one reads (why should they...? long and boring posts...), but that for some reason i keep on writing...