Christmas

My oh my... what day is today? It's christmas... who would say? I can't recall any christmas as bad as this one... why? Why are my pillars falling apart? I feel so powerless... so useless. People please open up your eyes...!! I don't wanna be a part of this... i just want u all to get along... why is there nothing i can do? Why are you asking me to be the support for all this pain? I do not have such strength... I can't take this any longer... :( The thought of you gives me strength, but this all too hard to understand, too hard to accept... Wish i could fix this whole thing with my words, but lately they seem so vain... It's a christmas to forget... or so I'll try. I guess there was no need to be nervous about things till christmas, but about christmas itself. The days before it went just great :) Best christmas present =) and I also met my biological father... which is a big thing i suppose. He can now die in peace... xD I know i know... I'm being mean and cold, but that's how i feel, he doesn't mean a thing to me... I've tried to change that, i swear i did, i even agreed in meeting him, but i still feel the same...

With christmas gone, i finally have some time for myself... I'm not used to have people around me 24h a day anymore... i need my space. Everyone's still asleep, so i enjoy the chance to be on my own :) warmly lying under the sheets i think about everything that happened and wonder about what's still to come... Deep inside i wish i was somewhere else :) but maybe my presence here is stronger than my words and things will get better :)

Now, changing the subject, being home with a pair of binoculars is a whole different thing :) I stare at my window and suddenly realize that there are many things to see. An Elanus caeruleus is stopped in middle air, right in front of me, looking for food. Hunting as well is a pair of Falco tinnunculus and a common hazard (Buteo buteo), and alighted on a phone cable a pair of big black birds, probably crows, but i'm not quite sure yet... maybe they're ravens ^^ I decide to take a walk in the valley to watch the little ones, but i couldn't find that many...

Back at home everything's calmer... i wonder till when, but i try to enjoy the moment :)

Now in peace, i don't feel like posting the sad things i wrote before, but i shall keep them as memento of those dark times... 

The good thing about a storm, is when the calm comes :)